Toilet Secrets

by Matt Mulholland

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I recorded this album back in 2008 in my bedroom. It's a collection of comedy songs that I've written over the years and while the actual recording quality isn't the best, the songs are still pretty awesome. Because of this, I've put the price down to $10 and left it with the option to pay more if you want.

Here's a message from the liner notes:

I'd just like to thank everyone that has come on this journey with me. It's been a journey of hope, love, passion, honour, and beer. I'd like to thank everyone that has bought the album and is reading this, without your support I wouldn't have the six or so dollars from each copy to go waste on nudie magazines and nights out at the Down Town Local

I hope that my music can touch you as much as I touch myself. Feel free to share my music with everyone and anyone. Except my mum. Especially if the person you are sharing it with is some big time record label owner or producer or something. Unless, of cource, that person is my mum.

Love to all

Matt Mulholland


released January 6, 2008



all rights reserved


Matt Mulholland Wellington, New Zealand

Music that will literally change your life.

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Track Name: Homo Pirates
Sailing on a pirate ship
With my rugged crew
Eighteen manly men
No one had a clue

Went to a party on the ship
Where I met a fair young lass
Before I knew what was happening
The cabin boy touched my ass

Homo pirates
Trying to bury their treasure in your ass

I spun around in anger as the crew came my way
And then I realised "Holy shit, they've all turned gay"
Four years on the pirate ship, no one gave a care
Until the captain and first mate braided each others' hair

The ship began to shake from winds up above
Turns out it was the second mate and captain making love
Shots were heard from far beyond
The enemy was drawing near
We just slowed right down
So they could take us from the rear

It started off real innocent
A kiss every now and then
I should have realised what was happening
When the flag was replaced
With pictures of naked men
Track Name: Fully Functional Penis
My friend's goal in life
Is to one day go to Venus
All I want is a wife
And a fully functional penis

I look for some romance
And I see a damn fine dame
She turns and looks at my pants
Oh, I think I just came

I want
A fully functional penis

You were mine, and I was yours
Our lives held so much luck
But you ran right out, slamming all my doors
'Cause I couldn't get it up

Oh how I wish, that I could take a piss
Without pain, I want to be dead
Pick up a chick, no she won't touch my dick
I got a dog to suck on my head

I want
A fully functional penis
Track Name: Kick Him in the Nuts
Rolling down the street in my pimped up ride
Wanting some chicken, preferably fried
Looking out for the KFC and I see myself a honey
Get tapped on the shoulder look around and some mofo steals my money

Chased him into an alleyway, starts crying 'cause he got no guts
Begging and pleading to let him go so I kicked him in the nuts

Kick him in the nuts...

Wipe off my shoe as I get back in the car
Still want some chicken, haven't gotten very far
Looking out the window for the KFC
Then I notice this little kid pulling the fingers at me

Kick him in the nuts...

Slam on the breaks as the kid begins to run
He's not laughing anymore, it wasn't worth the fun
I told him to say sorry, and all I got was buts
I gave him a chance to redeem himself and then I kicked him in the nuts

Kick him in the nuts...

Finally found the KFC as I walk in through the door
I'm gonna buy some chicken, then i'm gonna buy some more
Go up to the counter, ask for a quarter pack
He just laughed at me and gave my money back

The pack was $8.95, all I had was $7.83
I grabbed him by the face and told him no one laughs at me
He said with the money, that I could buy some nuts
I jumped over the counter, stole some chicken then I kicked him in the nuts

Kick him in the nuts...
Track Name: Let Me Stick It In You
I see you walking girl
Coming right up to me
Just shake your body girl
Nice and easy

I know you feeling me
And yeah you love it
I know you wanting me
Come on, just touch it

And if I promised you the world and diamond rings
Would you let me stick it in you
And if I said you were my girl
And gave you shiny things
Would you let me stick it in you
Just let me stick it in you

Come into my room
And I'll put on something sexy
I lie down on the bed
And I'll stare at you perplexing
Girl how'd you get so fine
What do I gotta say to get in your behind

I love you like a fat kid loves cake
I need you like my heart needs a beat girl
I miss you like a child will miss its blanket
I want you like my nuts want a scratch

Okay, okay, hold up hold up
Check one two, check two
What's a motherfucker gotta do to stick it in you
Think you're the finest ass around, but that ain't true
I've seen a shitload of bitches that I'd rather get into
We bought you drinks, we gave you lines
Mother fuck it's about time I get some of mine
Either show me tit or I'm done with this shit
Mother fuck that's it, I've said my bit

I don't know why you been being so hard
Just 'cause you know you been making me hard
Have you been playing with my heart
Cruel intentions from the start

And if I promised you the world and diamond rings...
Track Name: Penis Chorale Part II
Penis Penis Penis Penis*

Track Name: No Matter Where You Are (You'll always be there)
Standing there beside you as you walk into my life
Open up the door and turn on the light
It was dark before, but now I can see
The light that was surrounding you
Is now surrounding me

Clouds fill up the sky and now you're out of sight
The room is getting dark again
Baby switch on the light again
I need to see where you are
I know you can't have gotten very far
Just to be sure I need to know
Gotta show you that I love you so

No matter where you are
You'll always be there
And wherever you may go
You'll always know where you are
And if you look inside your heart
You probably won't live
'Cause you need a heart to live
And you need love to give

Baby we've had so many times in our lives
Times that have gone by way too fast
Times that have been left in the past
But if you could read my mind
You know that I would leave it all behind
If you and me could have more time
And maybe something else that rhymes with time

If I could always be there with you
Then you would always be there right with me
I don't know what I'm gonna say
But I'm gonna go ahead and say it anyway

No matter where you are...

You can't see what I can see
But if you just open your eyes
Then you might see what I can see
And you will know that I'm telling no lies

No matter where you are...
Track Name: Leper Leprechaun
Frolicking in the fields one fine day
When I saw a young man coming my way
He said "gimme your gold, don't make me beg"
So I pushed him over and I broke his leg

"You sneaky little bastard!" He did scream
And at that moment I felt something in me spleen
"I'll ruin your life, I guarantee!"
Turns out he gave me leprosy

I'm a leprechaun with leprosy
Nature's taken the best of me
Fiddily-eye-tye, tee-tiddily-eye torn
I’m a leper leprechaun

Thought it was a joke, just a bit of a yarn
Until I woke up and I had lost me arm
I looked on the ground and saw me four leaf clover
I had no legs so I couldn't bend over

I needed some luck and I needed it bad
I went to go check what limbs I still had
And at that time I heard a knock at the door
It was the same man as before

"I've come back to steal your gold!"
I tried to grab me pot but I had no hands to hold
He laughed in me face and he gave me some porn
"You'll need this" he says
"Cause no one will ever love a leper leprechaun"

I'm a leprechaun with leprosy...

I got real sick and all the other leprechauns began to laugh and scoff
I went to the pub to get real drunk
And me other arm fell off
I tried to drown me sorrows in a pint of Guinness
But I had no tongue
So I had to try and drink it with my penis

Got a leg in Dublin and an arm in bray
I lost me ear in Galway Bay
And in Wicklow I lost my elbow
And in Limerick I lost me... finger

I'm a leprechaun with leprosy...
Track Name: Hot Bitches, Fast Cars
Fast cars hot bitches, hot bitches fast cars
Fast car hot bitches, hot cars fast bitches

This is what it's like when you come into town
All these bitches and hos and pimps around
Every single motherfucker belongs to me
'Cause I'm a rapper with obscene amounts of money
How'd I get so rich? I don't even know
I just talk into a mic, now I'm rollin' in the dough
I got more bling on my thing than on anyone's ring
When I go into a club all you hear is "cha-ching"
Pimp my ride? Fuck I pimped my house
I got 20 inch rims on my toaster and spouse
Got a spoiler on my mower, hydraulics in my bed
And neons on my fridge
That change from orange to red
I'm a motherfuckin genuine thug
Bought a vacuum cleaner that'll clean the shit
Out of anyone's rug
When I go window shopping, I buy fucking windows
Then I buy some curtains for the windows
When I say "I'm just looking", I mean I'm just looking
At all this shit that I'm about to buy
I just get whatever the fuck, don't even know why
In my life, the money has gotten me far
And I can afford an orchestra to play for half a bar

I get all the love 'cause of all of my money
And just last night I had sex with Bugs Bunny
He's not even real, I paid to bring him to life
Then I killed him, and fucked his wife
I got so much money to use my time
I pay heaps of people to come over, and then stand in a line
Then I make them change the order of the people in the line
It's a fucking waste of my money and my time
I'm so loaded I can use the same line
And just change it a bit to make it rhyme
I don't even need to make shit rhyme
That's how rich I am, fuck fuck orange, yeah
Let's see you rhyme some shit with orange, bitch
Shit no it wasn't always this way
I grew up in the ghetto of the motherfucking bay
I'm a nice guy, give my money to the needy
Like my left hand, my right hand, and Mr. Teeny
Mr. Teeny is the name my bitch gave to my dong
That's why I rap about how much money I got
'Cause I'm really self-conscious
About the size of my schlong
Being so big I mean, and shit

I'm so rich I eat diamonds for breakfast
Milk and honey?
Fuck off and gimme some more money
I drink 4000 year old scotch
Mother fuck they didn't even have scotch 4000 years ago
Had to buy some shit to go back into time
So it can age nice and slow
I invented forks
And I can say shit like that and nobody will disagree
If they do I'll get my crew to make sure they'll be
Swimming with the fishes, see
And I can have sex with whatever and whoever
Regardless of species, gender, age, and race
I just give the lawyers millions of dollars
And they get the fuck off my case
Hippity hippity hop hop, hippity hop whop
Fuck I'm rich
Holy shit you just can't imagine how rich I am, it's bad
Povery, starving kids, charity?
Fuck that shit it don't make me sad
If they wanna stop starving and being poor
Just go get some money, simple as that
Least they don't have to worry
About getting fucking fat

And I am, whatever you say I am
If I'm not, I'll pay you till you say I am
Track Name: Chicken For Love
You want some of my chicken
I'm not gonna give you some of my chicken
Unless you give me love

Chillin' in the club as you walk through the back
Checking me out with my sweet quarter pack
Baby I see, what you wanting from me

Some want it spicy and I want it hot
But you're only wanting the chicken I got
Baby, you're driving me crazy

You want some of my chicken...

It got really hot as I look in your eye
I wanna bite into that succulent thigh
I know you need some of my tasty seasoning
We should just do it, I'm sick of your reasoning

You say dine in, I say eat out
I don't understand what the fuss is about
I know you just want a bit of my wing
But I want mine too, and so I will sing

You want some of my chicken...

You know I'm thinking 'bout my honey soy chicken
But I'm confused about what leg I wanna be licking
I'll give you a wing if you tickle my thing
Spare you a beak if you let me have a peek
I'll give you a nugget, if only you'll just fuck it

You want some of my chicken...
Track Name: Isn't It Weird
Isn’t it weird
When you find someone to love
But they don’t have the same feelings for you

Isn’t it weird
When you think you’re playing Yahtzee
But you’re actually playing Monopoly
You wonder why you’re the only one with six dice

Isn’t it weird
When you’re with your cousin at the zoo
And you watch while a monkey does a poo
And you get awkwardly aroused

Isn’t it weird
When you bring home a really hot chick
And it turns out to be Blanket Man
And you wondered why she smelled funny
And was wearing a blanket

Isn’t it weird
When you think you’re cutting cheese
But you’re actually cutting off your own foot
You only notice when you get to the bone

‘Cause it’s pretty damn weird
When you bring home Blanket Man
Eat your own foot instead of cheese or jam
Can’t find someone that loves you too
And you get aroused by pooing monkeys at the zoo
Isn’t it weird

Isn’t it weird
When you stick your penis in a blender
And you don't know why

Isn’t it weird
When you think its Christmas time
But you actually have AIDS
That's when you stop believing in Santa Clause

Isn’t it weird
When you’re having sex with your girlfriend
And she turns out to be dead
You were wondering why it was better than usual

For Christmas it’s weird if you get HIV
And you’re still fucking losing monopoly
You’re drinking a milkshake that doesn’t taste right
And your girlfriend didn’t move much last night
Track Name: Let's Get A Steak
I like the way you do’s it
You like the way I feel
I like the way you eat it
Come home for my healthy meal
Medium or rare, really don’t know, I don’t care
All I know is what I taste
And you don’t need tomato paste
Mushroom sauce? Motherfucker of course
It’s the second course, it’s a steak, not a horse

Let’s get a steak tonight
Gonna cook it nice and right
Gonna make you feel alright
Let’s get a steak tonight
Maxing to the beat
Come on let’s get ourselves some meat

Eating a steak, sippin’ on a gin and juice
This meat is hot, the cow must’ve been loose
Hittin’ the clubs, livin’ with thugs
Honeys checkin’ out my gear
I’ll bet that they can make it rare

You don’t know how much i want the steak and what I’ll do to get a flake I’ll make a cake or even break your fucking leg in the place where it hurts you can’t take it or fake it or swim in the lake a bit naked


My raps are rump, just like my hump
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, just like my hump, motherfucking hump

Let’s get a steak tonight...
Track Name: Steve Perry
What do you say to the man who knows it all
Together we stand with Steve Perry, divided we fall
The grounds shake and the winds fly
And the people begin to cry
For over the mountain pouring like a fountain comes
Lava Man

Steve Perry
Savior of our doubts
Steve Perry
He hates brussels sprouts

Lava man draws near (but)
Steve Perry has no fear (but)
He wants to do his hair (but)
Hair product is so dear (so)
He got a coupon in the mail (yeah)
He’s gonna get it on sale (woo)
The deal better not fail
Or else we’ll all get covered in lava
Turn into rock and then die

Steve Perry...

Out shoots a flaming ball
Steve Perry deflects it and it flies into a school hall
Filled with children and they all die
Why Steve Perry, why
Perry fights back with his laser eyes
But nobody cares ‘cause it’s him they despise
For Christmas he’s gonna get brussels sprout fries
You’re not Steve Perry!
It’s lies, all lies!

Steve Perry...